10 Weeks Preggo!

Size: 1 1/2 inches
Weight: 14 oz or 4 grams

The biggest and most exciting news is that by the end of this week the baby graduates from embryo to fetus!

Your baby now has discernible fingers and toes, which will explain the steady stream of kicks and punches you'll feel down the line.

Junior's skeleton is starting to grow and harden. The ears are beginning to take shape and the eyelids are no longer transparent. Tooth buds are forming, although your baby won't get any teeth until six or seven (or eight or nine or 10) months after birth.

Baby's brain will make an incredible 25,000 new neurons every minute this week.




Baby is about the size of a Nigger Toe or I mean a Brazil Nut ;)

10 Weeks Pregnant

Ultrasound Pic as Promised

Finally I got around to scanning it ;)

The guy that did the ultrasound did have cuter pictures but I didn't ask him to make copies of them. This one is nice though, one I wouldn't have had if we didn't go so i'm not complaining. You see it's little head and body. He/She does have arms but you don't see them so well, we saw fingers and arms squirm, they weren't perfect little limbs but you could tell they were arms :) So different than the first pic huh? What a difference three weeks makes!

6 weeks 2 days

Holy Crap!

I didn't know what else to title the post, maybe WTF would have worked too.

So I called my docs office like I was told to from the ER. A nurse called me back to discuss what the problems were to see if I needed an appointment (routine). I was told by the nurse that my cervix was only 2.7, which freaked me out. She ran off to talk to doc and was going to call me back with a plan. I in turn called Jason sobbing, which he promptly left work and then I called mom sobbing. During the call with mom, I got another call from the nurse and she said that she mistakenly read my paper wrong and the cervix was 3.9cm and that the baby was measuring 2.7 crown to rump. So my cervix is still good. So my heart started beating again. However they are prescribing me Prometrium which is a progesterone supplement. It will boost my levels. Its what they normally prescribe for what they found in the ER: Subchronic Hemorrhage. I had a hard time finding things on the inet about it. I think it happens but it's just not common (ofcourse) and it all depends on the severity of it. For now it's taking pills and putting my feet up as much as possible... (here's a better site about the hemorrhage)

I just keep reminding myself it's ONE day at a time. I don't know if honestly we can keep going through pregnancies like this, it's just too much stress...


Just as a side note, the nurse that called me I LOVE, she's the woman who runs the support group and I know she's there for me. I also would RATHER it been a mistake than the truth, so instead of being upset I was relieved.

Trip to the ER

Okay so it was probably me being paranoid, but can you blame me? The discharge wasn't going away and it had then turned into stringy stuff, like blood clots and so my nerves just couldn't handle not knowing anymore.

So we went to the ER, last night.

We left at 9pm.
Got all checking in by 9:30.
Then waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Until 2 AM to be seen!

I was so pissed by the 4 hours mark. At one point they came out called me name, looked at me and said oh before we bring you back we need to take your vitals and left. Proceeded to call in three people after me. It was 1 1/2 hours AFTER that they got me in! Which as soon as I got back there guess what they did! Took my fricken vitals.

So after drawing blood, taking a urine sample, checking to see if my cervix was closed manually, they sent me for an ultrasound. Which found my little one squirming and his/her heart still beating away It was the first ultrasound we saw him/her look like a baby and move So that alone was worth the trip.

Then at 3:15ish they said that they believe the bleeding is being caused by the placenta forming. That when it forms sometimes it can cause bleeding and they saw a small pocket of blood in my uterus near the placenta. That things look good and to checking with me OB on Monday.

So right now I feel better knowing that the baby is okay and my cervix is still nice and closed I'm still getting a little discharge but I will be calling Kassis on Monday.

{Ultrasound Pic to be uploaded later}

Spotting Continues :\

So I still have it going on :\ Which is not making me happy. I mean seriously can't this pregnancy atleast let me get through the first trimester without issues?

It does seem to be lightening but then I get this burning sensation in the uterus area that is beginning to concern me. If it is still light tomorrow and into Monday I will be going in to the docs for an ultrasound. If it gets worse tomorrow we might end up in the ER, since this is nerve racking! Bleeding of any kind (except for implantation early in) is not a normal thing, some women may experience it but usually you don't. I didn't with Kaitlin, except for the implantation bleeding. So it worries me.

Grumble

So around 2:30ish today I got a blood clot. It was brown so that is a good sign but getting clots is never a good feeling. Thus far it was only the one and now it's turned into a brown discharge. I did call the doc and I was told to just take it real easy, with my legs up and if it gets worse to call or come in. My question is though why can't pregnancy just be EASY for me? Jason and I both had to have our hearts restarted during the ultrasound since it seemed to take her forever to find the heartbeat :\ Oh well thus far things are good...positive thoughts right?

Doc's Appointment

Things are looking good. I am restrained from doing even more things now. I think I was supposed to be earlier but she never clarified and I never asked. But no standing for long periods, so short shopping trips, etc. Plus i'm back on pelvic rest, which makes it a LONG 9 months.

She did another ultrasound today, not a high tech one so we didn't get a picture...I should have asked but I didn't. You couldn't see much since my bladder wasn't full. Doesn't quite look like a baby yet, but it's not so much of a circle anymore either. The heartbeat was 156. Which is good. You are looking to be between 120 - 180 for most of the pregnancy.

They are sending me for an ultrasound in 3 weeks, but I see the doc again in two. Then after I see her again I see her uncle to set us up for the cerclage surgery. I'm going to make sure it doesn't land around February 7th for obvious reasons. I don't want to be worrying about surgery on that day.

9 Week Preggers!

I'm one week in my third month :) And I've been preggers now for 63 days!

Size = 1 inch
Weight = 2 grams (a little less than a penny)

Big news! You may be able to hear the heartbeat this week with the help of a Doppler, an ultrasound device that captures the chug-a-chug sound of baby's heart.

Until now, all pre-babies look the same "down there." This week, however, your baby will begin to develop either male or female genitalia. In layman terms, your baby is beginning to develop her hoo-ha or his wee-wee. Even though they won't be able to see it on ultrasound for many more weeks.

9 Weeks Pregnant

Miscarriage Chances

I found this on the i-net today about miscarriage at 9 weeks:

The highest risk period is between 4 and 6 weeks. Once 8 or 9 weeks are reached and the baby's heart beat is seen on a scan there is only a 4% to 5% chance of miscarriage, depending on the speed of the heart-beat. It should be 120 to 160 times per minute. (BMP) The risk then drops to between 5% and 8% and continues to drop as the pregnancy proceeds. (came from a UK study)

The risk of miscarriage decreases sharply after the 10th week, i.e. when the fetal stage begins. The loss rate between 8.5 weeks and birth is about two percent; loss is “virtually complete by the end of the embryonic period. " (From Wikipedia)

The statistics regarding miscarriage vary widely depending on the source. Here are some of the basic numbers. (from a message board)

Almost 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, with the majority occurring during the first 12 weeks.

There is a 75% chance of miscarriage in weeks 1-2 of pregnancy, when you do not know you are pregnant.

There is a 10% chance of miscarriage in weeks 3-6 and this number drops to 5% during weeks 6-12.

During the second trimester the chance of miscarriage drops again to 3%. After you’ve reached 20 weeks gestation, it is no longer considered a miscarriage

Horomones!

Wow does lack of sleep REALLY bring the hormones out in me as evidence of the 4 hours of sleep I got yesterday and the long car ride home. I cried over ketchup and an empty tummy. My mouth wouldn't let me swallow ANYTHING so my tummy was super hungry and nauseas feeling at the same time :\ After I slept some after getting home I found I could eat and man was I hungry! :) Off to clean the apartment since we just dumped all our presents and clothes in the middle of the living room and took the day off. We thought leaving at 4 am would beat the storm but nope, and instead of a 5 hour drive it was a 7 hour drive :\ YUCK!

8 Weeks Preggers!

Length : 1/2 inch
Weight: .04 oz or 1 gram

Your baby's eyelids, ears, upper lip and the tip of his soon-to-be adorable button nose are forming. Junior will also sprout webbed fingers and toes this week.

Baby's tiny heart has separated into four distinct chambers and is really ticking now—at a rate of 150 beats per minute.


8 Weeks Pregnant

Morning Sickness....

You mean after every time you eat sickness! Man this sucks. I feel like I'm the verge of getting sick after almost every meal, It's like having a stomach bug that just WON'T go away. :\ I haven't pucked yet though! THAT i'm grateful for.

In other news I forgot to report a HUGE accomplishment for me :) It came right at a good time too since I was pulled from work. I got a chance to hold a newborn. I haven't even contemplated that move since Kaitlin. One of my mothers just had a wee one and she brought it in one day not in the carrier so I snagged a hold. It was sweet, and a little bitter sweet, but still a milestone in the road to dealing with loosing a child. I'm super proud of myself for doing it. It took a lot of courage to ask her, since I didn't know how I would feel once I got the little guy in my arms. But it worked out. I'm glad I did it. I'm not ready for a repeat right off, but i'm getting better.

First Appointment Today

Well today was my first prenatal appointment. Which is always a LONG one! The roads were crappy but we went anyway, on the way there we even got rear-ended :\ Didn't do any damage, was a decent enough tap though...Anyways

At the appointment we got to see the little peanut* again. Heartbeat is 147. They also did all sorts of other fun things, like draw blood, another paps, urine samples, etc. They also went over all that testing and everything again which we again waved. No reason to need to know if the baby has Down Syndrome or not, we'll love it all the same.

The doc also decided to pull me from working. She doesn't want me lifting or pulling or doing anything that can cause any issues. So it's all for a precaution but I like that about her, always playing it safe than sorry :)

I spent the rest of the day shopping for the last minute xmas items we need for the trip next week. Also getting a disability form from my boss, getting things from my room, visiting my boys, and getting a prescription filled for antibiotics (I apparently can't unstuff my nose anymore and things just keep getting greener so she wants to clear it before it causes any really bog issues, and I wouldn't mind to be able to breath through my nose again :) )

Next appointment is the day after Christmas which is when we will set-up another ultrasound, set-up an appointment with Uncle Doc for my cerclage, and maybe hear the heartbeat but it might be still too soon, I don't remember when we heard it first with Kaitlin.




*I made sure to use peanut again just for YOU mom ;) Even though it doesn't mean that is it's official nickname ;)

Good News

So all my test results were negative. BUT with being let out of my room at work to pee more I definitely don't have the same pain as what I did before :) So perhaps it was all having to due with being pregnant. It's hard to just let the aches and pains go with out over analyzing them, I think it comes with the territory of any pregnancy after a loss.

Off to the docs tomorrow will update again soon :)

7 Weeks

Size = 1/3 - 1/4 of an inch
Weight = less than 1 gram

This week your baby's brain is growing at a mind-boggling 100 cells per minute within a see-through skull.

Your baby's face is becoming more defined this week. A tiny mouth hole, tongue, nostrils and ear indentations are visible.

The umbilical cord is now visible.

Your baby is now between 1/3 and 1/4 inch long—about the length of a Tic Tac and about as heavy as an eyelash.

6 weeks 2 days ultrasound :)

Here's our peanut, well actually smaller than a peanut, lol :) The baby's heartbeat is 130 which we were told is good. It was just cool to see the heartbeat :) My cervical length was also nice and long like it should be at 3cm :) So let hope those number stay nice and strong. She didn't measure the baby so I don't know it's size. I think she was supposed to or if she did we didn't pay attention. Sometimes they do those measurements afterwards.

I did get some brownish discharge after the ultrasound tech left me to clean up :\ Which the discharge has continued into last night and some this morning. So we are waiting and seeing what it will bring :\ Hoping she just irritated things and that all is good.

Having to Pee

It seems like I have pee ALL the time and at work I'm stuck holding it at times for various reasons and now I'm about 99% sure this has developed into a problem since now I feel like I have to pee ALL the time! I mean ALL the time! Not to mention I have a constant burning feeling, my lower back hurts, under my ribs hurt, i've been getting nauseous, and my newest symptom dizziness. Yesterday I had to pee so bad that by the time I went I was getting cramps, and they lasted for awhile. Which scared the crap out of me. So I took today off so I could pump fluids in me and get in to see the doc. Which they didn't let me see a doc, instead they had me pretty much just drop off a sample :\ I have to wait until MONDAY to get the results!

The nurse that usually works with my doc caught me in the hall, she asked if they were putting me on something as a precaution...I wish! The nurse I saw didn't feel a need. :\

Week 6

Size : 1/8 inch
Weight: less than a gram

Your baby has grown to about the size of one of the chocolate sprinkles on your last cupcake.

Your baby's heart is now beating to a regular beat, although it's still too faint to hear.

If you can't stay awake for the second half of Grey's Anatomy, blame it on the baby. Extreme exhaustion is often one of the first signs of pregnancy, and while your body will probably regain some of its strength by the time you enter your second trimester, you might find yourself nodding off during Dr. McDreamy's love scenes.

Guessing the Gender

According to this Chinese Gender Chart we will be having a girl :)

Do you have a guess?

Prediction and Exciting News

So I was talking to Rebecca and she apparently asked her son what sex our baby would be. He said we would have a girl! She said he's usually right on with these things, but we'll have to wait and see. A girl would be cheaper since I own already a ton of girls clothes.

Also today I noticed that I think I have a belly bump :) I was lying down and felt it and you can feel it while i'm standing too. Jason confirmed it was definitely not all in my head :) YAY!

Also got my hair cut, but pics of that will have to wait until I take some :) hehehe

A Oui (wee) Bit Scared

(A post from the sarcastic pregnancy journal)

After getting over the initial “I’m having a baby!” shock, we began to spread the news. Of course, people asked how I was feeling.“Nervous,” I’d tell them. “Freaked.”

“If you are freaked then why are you having another baby? Why try if you’re going to be scared by the results?”

Might I add, at this point, that everyone who said that to me didn’t have kids.

The decision to have a baby is a lot like the decision to move to France. France sounds cool, other people like France. It would be fun to move to France!

Then you buy the plane ticket and France starts to seem a little scary.

You’ll have to learn a new language! They eat snails! Didn’t someone once tell you that people in France don’t shower that often?

Come to think of it, moving to France and having a baby have a lot in common

HCG Level

As of yesterday my HCG level was 1,887 which means I'm increasing :) yay!

I also feel like I have a touch of the stomach flu, which mom thinks is the start of morning sickness :\ Which is not making me happy. Since TOMORROW we eat turkey, and all the other yummy thanksgiving favorites I'm going to cook with mom...I had better be able to consume them without paying dearly for it later...although I will say that i'm atleast feeling more pregnant :) Which makes me happy.

Symptoms

My symptoms this far have been really only fatigue! But tonight after eating on two separate occasions something a little greasy I got heartburn and nauseous. Which I DID have the same issues with Kaitlin however I didn't get them until I was around 20+ weeks. So we will see where this goes.

Doc Called

How much do I love that since my appointment was cut short yesterday my doc called me today to check in and see if I had any more questions. I love that office! It was the actual doc too not a nurse :)

I didn't have too many questions one was when we would be potentially looking at the cerclage surgery but we had talked about that. I did confirm that I would be pulled from work end of January which means my boss won't be too happy, but this baby comes first she can understand that.

Also my hcg levels were good, they were 1,500 which means that my next visit they should over 2,000 which means we go for an ultrasound next week!! YAY! I call friday to schedule it :) I'm SO excited! I WILL get a pic of whatever is there and I WILL scan it and post it :)

That is it for this time around, until next appointment!

Week 5

Size: 5/64 of an inch or 2 millimeters
Weight: Less than 1 gram

Your baby's microscopic heart begins to beat this week—although it won't be detectable with one of those cool Dopplers for a few weeks, so you'll have to wait a little longer to hear that satisfying "whoosh-whoosh" you're so anxious for.
Your baby is only 2 millimeters long—about the size of a sesame seed.

Twas the Night Before a Cervix Check

Twas the night before Cervix Check , and all through my crotch....
My mind was racing with worrisome thoughts.
My list of questions all written with care,
I hope that the Dr will ease just one fear.

Visions of freedom dance in my head,
Will I be permitted to break free from this bed?
I hope for the best, tomorrow's unknown....
Wouldn't it be great if my cervix has grown?

When from the back of mind, there arose such a clatter
That inkling of fear, that something's the matter.
All visions of hope were gone in a flash,
Here comes the hives, a fear induced rash.

With that thought I feel a pinch where no one can see
Would that be my suture reminding me?
A reminder that it's doing its job and it’s going to hold.....
it can't work alone it needs my faith to be bold.

I put my hands on my belly, and pray for a kick,
To reassure me this baby is held safe by a stitch.
I’m reminded of all the success stories I've read,
All the babies that made it, held in by a thread.

As I ease into assurance that all will work out,
I remove all my feelings of worry and doubt.
I persuade myself to believe the stitch will hold tight!
Boring appointment Vibes to all, And to all a good night!


(borrowed this from my IC board from a very talented gal! This is what we all feel like every night before we see the doc. :) )

Doc's Appointment

This one was just to go over my test results, which was cut short since they had a patient in labor, no bog deal I heard all I wanted to hear.

~My thyroid is good, no troubles with the repeat test

~I will be on bedrest at 14 weeks, no more work, all pampering :) hehehe

~14 weeks is also when the cerclage will go in (around my birthday :\)

My next appointment December 12th.

4 Weeks Pregnant

Size : 1/25 inch
Weight: Less than 1 gram

By the end of this week, your baby measures about 1/25 inch long, about the size of a period (like the one at the end of this sentence, not the one you just missed).

Pregnant!

All the proof I need :)

The story behind the sticks:
So I always pee in the middle of the night. SO at 4 am this morning I decide I have to test since it is your morning pee is asks for. So I test using the first test you see and thats from Big Lots. In the picture the line is MUCH darker than in real life. I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. So I woke up Jason. He looked at it and said it looked positive but it was faint. So that clinched the decision and off I went to the 24 hour CVS :) The second test was VERY clearly a positive :) So I guess my appointment next week with Kassis will be my FIRST appointment preggers! Now lets just hope we make it to the cerclage, no miscarriages!

CD 28

Well No AF today. Still doesn't mean much.

I did wake up to pains in my left boob. And they seemed to plague me in both most of the day. I've had them before though when I drank too much caffeine, however I haven't had any?? Oh well if no AF today then I will test tomorrow.

CD 27

So AF is due tomorrow...no signs of her yet but that doesn't mean a damn thing. Last month I had my hopes all up because I had NO signs of her at all and then WHAM out of nowhere she hit me and HARD! So I'm not even going to test tomorrow.

I will say that my boobs are still inflated, they also are getting slight twinges of pain on occasion, but thats nothing super new. No back troubles this morning, well real minor ones. No heartburn, bloated constipation feeling still around.

Been kind of emotional some today.

CD 26

My back did NOT hurt this morning. Instead I had a pain in my right side in the front but nothing major.

Also I think my boobs are officially fluffy or full of air as I like to call it ;) My doc laughed last time I called them fluffy, hehehehe.

Still constipated some...no heartburn though!

CD 25

Nothing grand to report other than the constipation is back and the diarrhea has gone. Back problems still there. I think my boobies are beginning to get "fluffy" but not 100% sure about that one.

CD 24

Still having the diarrhea issues. It seems to happen the more I eat, I haven't eaten in many hours and it's all gone away :\ grumble.

Lower back pain is still around in the mornings.

I took a test this morning since you can 5 days prior. It was cheap big lots one, it was negative. I'm not hopeful.

CD 23

So today I was blessed with uncontrollable diarrhea :\ Well you know the kind that every time you pee you poo too :( Grumble. No real tummy aches or anything like that just lots of poo. I felt like there was something else I wanted to report but I can't think of it now. This is why I should write it all out in ink first. I think of alot of things while at work.

Which I made it through another day with my 4 monther. He's such a damn cutie pie it's hard to hate him and his mom is sweet too. I do hold him wishing I was looking down at Kaitlin though. He's got the most perfect little face like she did...makes me feel like sometimes she's looking back at me.

No heart burn tonight :) yay!

CD 22

Getting that "burning" sensation in my uterus or lower half today...well this morning. I only really got the burning in the morning so nothing more to report.

CD 21

So I got a really sharp pain in my boob yesterday, which that hasn't happened in forever. I don't know what that was about. It happened while I was holding a little one which wasn't funny.

I also went for bloodwork. Which like always I get super lightheaded and woozy. The nurse however this time explained it to me. It's not that i'm loosing blood it's because of a nervous reaction. She suggested they put me in the comfy chair next time which will probably help. Since when I was lying in the hospital bed I never had an issue with them taking blood and they took ALOT of it, lol.

Oh and I are dinner and I didn't get the sick feeling :) Yay!

CD 20

So for the last three days after I eat supper I get terrible heart burn type pain. Last night I even threw up a little from it :\ Not fun.

The pain in my back comes and goes, it doesn't seem as strong as it used to be.

Other than that nothing to report.

CD 19

Another good night of sleep :) yay! I still get the pain in my back but it doesn't seem as bad and yes I'm still constipated. I think I can blame that on no coffee though. I'm so used to it clearing my system out I don't know if my system knows how to function with out it! Lol.

In other news I am passed ovulation since my strips have gotten lighter again. So I've stopped testing. Which means AF is due to arrive around the 18th. I bought some cheap preggers tests yesterday just so I can test without having to feel guilty about the cost.

I also go for blood work this week and then see my doc on the 25th for all the results. Lets hope for something fixable! I'd rather there be something wrong that we can fix than this is just going to take FOREVER!

CD 18

I can sleep longer through out the night, which is good. I actually feel like I'm getting sleep. Don't know why I couldn't before.

In other news I've had a constipation problem for the last week and gas. Which I've also noticed I feel more pain in my front sides than even when I really have to go. I swear I feel it in my uterus more than any where else.

CD 17

This morning I found that I slept okay up until I rolled onto my right side, then the pain started in my lower back :\ grumble! I will say though last night was the first night in a week that I slept REALLY well. Jason even said he tried getting me to move my leg off his side at one point and I wouldn't budge, lol.

CD 16

So this morning I got another strip that seemed to be a positive :\ I don't think this is right but I guess I'll let the doc decide that one.

Also around 10:30ish am I got a sharp pain in my left side which lasted for a minute or so. Nothing since however. Nothing weird brought it on either, i was sitting bouncy a baby in a bouncy seat, so I wasn't lifting or anything like that. Again I guess we will see.

CD 15

Nothing much to report today other than the fact that I got another two positive strips today (once in the morning and another in the evening) which doesn't tell me much either :\ Since I don't think your supposed to get them for that long....

CD 14

I got what looks to be my LH surge today. So we did BD this evening. However if the ultrasound tech is right and my follicle seemed a little too small to O this early, then perhaps thats the root of my problem? I guess my doc will have answers for those questions later.

CD 13

Same pains in my back when I woke :\

CD 12

I've been having troubles sleeping on my right side for over a month now. I noticed that after my period it didn't seem to bother me that much, until last night. I woke up every time I was on my right side for too long so I spent most of the night on my left. I also woke up with a really sore lower back which got better once I laid on my back instead of on either side. Now it could be from all the carpet shampooing I did yesterday but my arms don't hurt nor does my upper back or neck. Now that I've been up for a little while the pain is gone.

CD 11

So no line on the OPK today.

I am getting a few pains like cramps after exercising tonight. But my major concern is the sharp pain I got when I pooped earlier. I also get it sometimes when I pee. :\ We'll see what all these tests show I guess.

CD 10

I think my angel talked to me this morning ;) I'm on CD 10 so I don't think I'm close to Oing yet (but my cycles have been known to be screwy) so DH and had a little fun and I decided what could it hurt? So I laid low to let it all "soak" in, any ttcer knows all about that. Laying there I was listening to the radio and thought alright if Just a Dream comes on I'll take it as a sign that this isn't wasting my time and wait the extra 10 minutes, but if any other song comes on I will get up. Well needless to day Just a Dream played. I still think it might be too early but I think it was Kaitlin's way of telling me not to give up like I feel like doing at the end of every cycle.

Hours after our morning adventures, sitting at the computer (as I work later today) I felt a pain in my left side. Which then went away after about 5 minutes. No cramps or anything. Could it ovulation pain? We'll see I guess, I still think it's took early but these are the random pains I worry about. Not to mention I did a OPK last night and barely could even see that there was a second line so I'm guessing the hormone just isn't there.

I go the ultrasound tonight so more might be added later to this post. Even though I'm SURE they won't say anything really about it.

So me being curious as usual led me to this finding:

What are the symptoms of ovarian cysts?

Many ovarian cysts don't cause symptoms. Others can cause:

• --> pressure, swelling, or pain in the abdomen
• --> pelvic pain
• --> dull ache in the lower back and thighs
• --> problems passing urine completely
• --> pain during sex
• weight gain
• --> pain during your period (doesn't everybody?)
  
• abnormal bleeding
• nausea or vomiting
• breast tenderness

However like always if any ole person were to look at the symptoms they probably would find the same amount of them a I did...

Okay so I went through and made a chart of my charts. I wanted something simple that listed start day, cycle length, O dates and luteal phases. According to my chart my cycles seem to be getting longer?? It seems they are increasing in length. Also I used to O on day 14, which I discovered through charting and i know it how it worked before I got pregnant, but now it's getting later and later in my cycle. Also I think my luteal phase might also be getting potentially messed up too some...my last cycle it took an extra two days comparing my other dates and times to that month. I'm not a doctor so I don't know what all this means but it doesn't seem right. I also had a few "blank" months that I only know my start and stop day since I took the month off for various reasons, but the months I do know they still seem messed up.

Went for my ultrasound tonight. She found only one follicle forming on my left side, WHICH is the side I had pain in earlier today. She thinks it should be a little bigger than what it's measuring but then if my cycles are getting longer than it might not be. I didn't see what the inet said cysts would look like but maybe i'm just too early on? I really hope this isn't all for naught, I do hope these ultrasounds tell my doc SOMETHING and that something is NOT come back again next month, grumble. Until I meet with my doc I won't know more. On to another CD tomorrow.

CD 9

So today was day two with the 4 month old. He's a cranky boy. Which most of it is just learning how to respond to him and knowing what he wants when he cries. Which I'm getting slowly. So it was rough day. Not to mention we had a Halloween parade where I needed to get 3 infants dressed and ready to go. Then get them undressed and fed before one was picked up for the doctors. It was crazy busy, no time to rest and now I'm sore, very sore.

CD 8

Another half day at work since i gave up some hours to help out a co-worker. I cleaned a little, read the PreSeed package some, nothing to glaring to report. It was a good day.

Private Practice is on tonight.

CD 7

So I work in childcare and in the infant room. A job I got after loosing Kaitlin. I knew taking the job that I could have to deal with newborns or children born around the same time Kaitlin would have been. I haven't up until this week. We got a new little one. He is 4 months old. He actually just turned 4 months. He was born a month after Kaitlin should have been. So he's served as a reminder of what I lost in February. If it wasn't for the fact that he cried or my other one cried on and off through out the day I think I would have cried too. It was bitter sweet to say the least. It makes me want one more, but it also makes my arms ache for the one I lost. At this point, looking at him I don't know if I will ever be ready to see the little girl born to DH's cousin a few months after Kaitlin should have been. Atleast this one is a boy. I can't imagine looking at a little girl with the same hair color Kaitlin had. The boy has red hair. When I look at his blue eyes I can see her starring back at me, it's weird. I've been avoiding as much as possible all of the little babies. When I see them in stores I look away. Older ones I can deal with, but the little bundled ones I can't look at. It just reminds me too much of the day I held her all bundled.

So today was rough and I have back again on Thursday, but Thursday is a half day for me.

CD 6

Another work day. AF is totally gone, not even the slightest trace and has been for two days so I'm feeling much better. This is the time in my cycle I feel the most optimistic.

I read on my forum that if you hold a baby around O time that it's supposed to increase your chance. I would like to know why I haven't conceived yet...grumble.

Oh I also ordered PreSeed last week. It's a special lubricant that is made to NOT kill spermies that
many women my not have enough up there so this helps. Other kinds like KY and such aren't specially formulated so it hinders the process. Many people say they got pregnant first try with it so at this point why not?

Also this month is the month of tests for me since I went and saw our doc the other day. Friday of this week I go for an ultrasound to see if I have cysts, the shape of my uterus, etc. The on the 11th, 13th and 15th they take blood to see if I have all the right horomones. Then the week of Thanksgiving I go for the test results.

CD 5

Nothing to blaring to report today. DH and shared some special time which always better spent when we aren't thinking about making a baby. It's like when your doing it for a purpose it looses some magic, which is probably why they say when you give up trying you get preggers since your not worrying about it. Other than that it was a relaxing day spent indoors.

CD 4

Well bright and early we went to NYC today it was a bus trip so no need to pay attention to maps and such. I laid back and listened my playlist I made about Kaitlin for most of the trip down. I drowned the world around me and immersed myself in her and myself. It was nice and peaceful and quiet. It didn't depress me much, just sort of relaxed me. I sometimes think she communicates through certain songs, that I can almost feel her love when I listen to them. I know some will think that is silly, but I take comfort in it.

The rest of the day went well. The depression seems to be lifting, but then again so does AF.

CD 3

I was asked today how I was feeling by a co-worker. She said she asked because I looked down. I do hope I'm not that transparent. However it could be the lack of sleep I've had the past few nights catching up with me :\ No rest though. I have a meeting after work and then early tomorrow morning we are off to NYC. I was feeling a little down today. Still dealing with AF and I hate dealing with her. When she's staying with me it's like a reminder hourly of how we failed again. So i like it when her stay is brief.

CD 2

I work in child care so I went back to work today and thankfully it was only a half day. Somedays it's hard taking care of other's baby's when I don't have one of my own. I also learned that we will be getting a new kid, only 4 months old next week. I think it will be a tough week.

The two I have now are much older and so I don't connect them so much with Kaitlin. She will always be a baby in my mind so any baby that is really little I don't pay much attention to, because it bothers me. If I see them in stores I divert my eyes, it's just easier.

CD 1

I wanted to write a blog about my experiences, I realized on CD 10 that writing one about how I feel as I go through a cycle that which will probably end in failure was an idea. Perhaps it will help others realize that it's okay to feel the way we do. It's okay that I feel the way I feel.

CD1 I had circled on the calender, as I do every start of a new cycle (I find the day that I can expect AF to show again). We have now been trying for 7 cycles.

This morning I woke up and with no signs of AF i tested, and of course it came back negative. I tested at 6 am and cried alone on the couch until 7. DH came out and of course I'm sure knew what was wrong almost immediately but asked and gave me big hugs and kisses. The problem is that I got my hopes up. I wasn't getting signs of AF, I had other weird signs that made me think I was preggers, so I had high hopes and they came crashing down around me at 6 am that morning.

And when the negative shows, it doesn't only say "hey this is another failed attempt" it also says "remember Kaitlin, and what you lost? how long ago was that now?" It just rubs in my face how much I wanted a baby and how brief our dear daughter stayed with us. It reminds me that I should be breastfeeding and trying to prevent pregnancy and not trying to get pregnant again. It reminds me that I have now been trying for 6 months/7 cycles and nothing. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me and my body. That maybe all Kaitlin's problems were due to something I did, and maybe I can't get pregnant again because of something i did.

I didn't go to to work today, neither did DH. We went on an adventure which ended up being a little bit of waste of time, came home and spent the rest of day watching 24 cuddled on the couch. It didn't break away all my depression from the morning's events but it helped and it was nice to have a reconnect day.

TTC After a Loss

So really no one can relate to how it feels to go through a loss until they have had one of their own. It's a very personal, special and heartbreaking thing that can't be compared to anything else in the world. Sure people deal with loss, like the loss of a parent or a friend or an uncle, but loosing a baby is very different. I will even go on to say its even very different than loosing an older child. There is world of women that know what it's like. Some deal with having a miscarriage, others loss the infant when it was too early for medicine to intervene, others loose them during their struggle in the NICU, some loose them before they are born, and some die later at home due to SIDS or other complications. All these are very different, but also very much the same.

When you get pregnant, even if it's "unwanted" you quickly become attached. You start to think about when you bring them home, how they will grow up, what color their room will be, sharing them with others, and all the other hopes and dreams parents have for their children. Even before the mother starts showing these feelings and dreams and being created in the parents. When a pregnancy is lost early on society often feels the parents shouldn't feel anything, or not for a long period of time, but let me tell you something it stays with them forever. They lost a baby, they might not even have a picture of that baby, but they lost a baby. And the same goes for all the other kind of losses. No matter how soon or how long after they are born the heartbreak is real and it is more than just that they lost a baby. They are denied the right to be parent to that child, they are stripped of their mommy and daddy titles before they are given the chance to use them. I say it's different from loosing an older person because you can cherish the memories you had with them alive, you can relish in all the special moments they had and you had with them. When you loose a baby you might be lucky if you have one. You might not even have a picture. And in the case of early miscarriages, you never get to even see their sweet face. It is personal because no two stories are alike, we have our own paths and our own experiences. It's what makes us, our stories and our angels unique.

You might wonder why I say it's special. Because no matter how or how long they were with you you were a mother and a father for that brief period of time. You had a baby, and thats special and something to cherish. It's bittersweet, but it is special. This is why I can smile when talking about my baby girl. It tears me up inside that she's not here but it also makes me feel special that she was at one point. And for some reason because I can smile through her story people seem to think I'm alright, that i'm no longer grieving, that nothing is wrong, but I can say that there is and always will be something very much wrong...and I will always grieve.

And then you decide one day to try again...and this opens up a whole new world of worry, excitement, heartache and joy. Your excited to have another baby while your heart still aches for the one you lost. You grieve all over again each month as another cycle has led to failure. You find joy in the aspect of having another little one but worry about if this pregnancy will go the same way or if there will be a whole new world of complications, etc. This is where I am today, I'm TTC after a loss.

Still one of my favorite comics :)